I used to be afraid

I used to be afraid. So very afraid. Afraid of losing you, afraid of forgetting you, afraid that you would fade from my life. But now, I am not as afraid. Because you're not going anywhere no more. You're here to stay. And I want you to.

"Life just got in the way."

Why, what's wrong? Does it seem like a ridiculous reason even to you? Because it is. If it is important enough to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse. You don't get to keep someone who is willing to give up so much for you just to give him some excuses. Timing? There wasn't a problem with timing when you could tell him you liked him. Life just got in the way? You took so much time out in the past just to be in his company and you say you're the happiest when you are with him. Religion? That's just an excuse because your last one failed because of it. You don't get to say religion is an issue when he is willing to convert to your religion just because he wants to get closer to you, to understand you better and to learn your culture. Everything is an excuse. You know why? Because even after all these while, there has always been something there, which is especially evident when you spend a bit more time with him. You want me to name them? Right from the start, when you liked him even when you were attached. The day after you went clubbing, same day as before you went for your picnic with your friends, and he made you breakfast before that. The day after Hall Productions, the day of Frisbee IHG, the whole day leading up to Beer Mile. Your birthday. The next day, Alumni Night. Drinking with 31st JCRC. Everything else because there was so many times, too many to count. The fact that you can admit that you liked him with no uncertainties while you were attached and the fact that you could have sex with him so many times even when you had something unofficial with someone else. I'm not even mentioning the smaller things. I would think you should have been with him instead if he can keep coming in between you and other people. But it just begs the question - is timing or other excuses you have, the actual reasons why things are not working out between you and him? Or is it because you are just not brave enough to risk it all with him? The reason has never been other factors beyond your control. It has always been within your reach. But he is broken because he has always taken the reason to be that he just isn't good enough. He has accepted it. He has resigned to fate. He will always be the second best, and just another option. But it's okay. He's gonna disappear soon anyway. He gave up his time, effort, reputation, working relations, his work and so much more. He was willing to give up so much more, too, but what's the point if it's all just a battle downhill? He can accept being second best. That's just life. He was gonna migrate to New Zealand and be alone with his dogs in the future anyway. That was the plan. That was the plan. All along. You don't get to raise someone's hopes so high and then crush it into the ground. He told you he would eventually like you. He knew it was wrong to like you and he was so uncertain. Remember how you told him it was a bad thing because you were so certain that you liked him but he had to take so long just to say he liked you too? You made him feel like he was worthy of love for once and then you took it away so fast. I don't think he can get over it. Remember all these minute and small things that slowly crushed him one by one? Because he does, and to him, you will always be the one that got away.

Save me...

Maybe it's something I'm used to when I miss you, and that something just led me to your block, and I sat at the lounge, silently thinking to myself. I contemplated again and again, if it would be a good idea. Was it a sign of weakness? Would it make it harder to bear? But it was already almost impossible to bear... Our imaginary would-be conversation went on in my head.

"Hey... Did you cry?"

"I can't say I didn't miss you at all and that a huge part of me wish that I didn't talk to you this morning, but I came over to see you, because I don't think we'll see each other until maybe after finals end..."

Even though deep down I know we probably wouldn't see each other, even after that...

And then I'd walk off. And I'd stop midway. And pat you gently on the head.

"Take good care of yourself."



I braced myself as I walked towards the door. I was scared. Much like the times I went over to ask you to forgive me. Much like the times I went over just to wake you up for breakfast. Much like all the times, just before I see you - a stomach churning with butterflies.

I knocked on the door, but you were never there... You went out. With him.

It has been less than 5 hours since I've last talked to you and I miss you so much, just like everyday, but today, it is filled with a bit more of pain and sorrow. Because I wonder if that's the last we'll ever talk to each other. And I kept thinking, and I kept resisting. Going over just to find you. To give you a hug. Because God knows if I'll ever be able to hug you ever again. Because yesterday, our hug was so half fucked. Because I don't want to know that the last hug I ever gave to the most important girl in my world was barely a hug. I so badly want you back in my arms right now and I so badly wish we were in a better place. But I can't. And I miss you. Much more with every passing minute.

There hasn't been a day I stopped and gave less than my all.
I have never stopped loving you.
And it's painful, sometimes.
Especially when:
You seem like you picked me over him.
For a while.
And then him over me again.
I so badly want to wait.
And I know I can.
But.
How do I at least get an answer,
To this waiting game?
I'm not tired of chasing you.
I never will be.
But I'm just tired of uncertainties because:
My insecurities kill me a little more inside when,
You are with him, and not with me, where you should be,
And I'm scared.
That even when you, one day, become mine...
That our love wouldn't be as strong and pure anymore.
If only because I grew used to the fact that,
One day I may lose you,
And that thought doesn't scare me that much anymore.
Am I moving on and letting go?
Or is this just a greater form of love?
One which is willing to let go so as not to tie you down,
And hurt you more?
Because I am so very afraid...
Afraid that...
The most important girl in my world would end up to be just...
Another girl...
I wish the magic would return to the good old days.
And just the thought of losing you tears me apart,
Into a million pieces.
But a part of me already accepted that,
We could never be.

Perfect Little Date

She said you don't have to worry about losing me.
She said I can never get enough of you.
She said just for today.
She said she didn't know what to say.

Everything went perfect.

But I wonder if she knows that my heart literally dropped and skipped two beats when she kissed me and took me off guard.
But I wonder if she knows how I can never get enough of her too.
But I wonder if she knows how I wish everyday was like that day.
But I wonder if she knows that my time stood still for many a whiles when we were out that day, and how I wish it did, forevermore.

I went on a perfect date, with the perfect someone I don't see myself getting together with, or at least not for a long time, and it's a melancholic kind of contentment.

I found my peace.

Imperfect

A not so perfect ending to the perfect couple with not so perfect timing with a not so perfect start seems almost too perfect

Written on impulse

Also from awhile back...

Ladies and gentlemen, I come with a warning:

Don't play too close to fire.
Don't play with your prey.
Don't let down your walls.
And lastly,
Don't blink.

Because you may escape unscathed once, or twice, but when you are that dangerously close to fire, you will eventually get scorched, and when the flame is too strong and out of control, prepare, to burn in hell.

Because you might think you are the predator and in control, but know that roles reverse and tables turn. For once when dinosaurs rule the land, they have evolved to but birds now.

Because you might think you are and adult and have seen it all, or that you have great intuition or perception of a cat, or even be as sneaky or mysterious like a ninja, you might just inconspicuously let in someone your mama always warned you about.

Because you might think that you are safe in that brief, split second when you blink, but you are wrong. They will come and get you when you are not looking. Especially when you are not looking.

So friends, the time has come. My benevolence is not to be taken for granted. I am only a pushover when I'm nice.

I'm not good at it

See, the one thing that absolutely sucks about love is that you can't just skip ahead of all these shenanigans and just get to the happily ever after part. Because I'm just not good at it. I'm not good at chasing a girl. I'm not good at painting my words to make a girl fall in love with me. I know how to play the dating game, but I just don't like playing it because I can't bear to do it, and I hate the push and pull theory that people always use. I'm not good at all these kinds of things. But I know for sure that there are things that I would be damn good at. Things like making her laugh. Things like cooking for her. Things like taking care of her when she is sick. Things like giving in. Things like taking care of her 5 hypothetical children. Things like loving her and making her feel special. These are the things that I know I'll be damn good at because I'm gonna be the best boyfriend ever. But it's so stupid and unfair that I have to play this stupid dating game before I can even get to the part where I am good at.

And you said I was your happiness... So why don't you want to give it a shot? I've been saying let's try things out for so long, but you do know that when I say that, I don't mean, become a couple immediately, right? I want to take you out on dates. Up until now we don't even have one, until the one coming up on Thursday. I want to make you feel special. I want to make you feel loved. I want to make you feel like the only girl in the world. I want to do all these with you first before I even want to consider asking you to be mine.

And you said I was your happiness... But we are just friends. So if we can be that happy as friends, why not upsize that happiness? Make it last. Double it. Make it yours and something that you can call your own. Because if we can try so hard to find our ways back to each other after so many fights, even just as friends, I don't think there's any problem big enough that we cannot overcome as a couple. Don't you agree? And of course all that I've been doing for you is not just because I like you. I want to make you happy, I really do, if only for the sole reason that putting just a smile on your face makes me happy too.

And then, you say you want to keep me because I am your greatest friend ever... But then, shouldn't your better half be your best friend? One whom you can be comfortable with at anything? Someone who is, maybe, say, your greatest friend? And you were right. We've been through so much hurt, and fights. Normal friends wouldn't stay together. Normal friends would have left long ago. Normal friends would have had bad blood by now. But through it all, we fought and stayed in each other's lives, because we just cannot stand the fact that we have to lose each other. If that's not love, what is? And you said you want me to stay in your life forever and ever. If that's not love, what is? Maybe love has always been right in front of you, you just choose not to see it.

Make me better

A piece from a while back...

Make me better.
Tell me everything is okay.
Try to fix me.
Save me, please.

Even though a broken man,
Sometimes does not need to be fixed,
It would feel nice,
To be worth the effort,
At least just for once.

What if some things are better left unsaid,
And some businesses are left unfinished.

That leaves some truths to be left unknown,
And some wounds to be left untreated.

But even if some answers are left unanswered,
And some stories left untold,

I would rather be left unaware,
Then to hear the truth unravel.

Love is a funny thing,
Even though you tore my world apart,
And even through all the hurt and anguish,
I would trade everything to do it all again.

Time is a funny thing,
Even though minutes pass and seasons change,
And people come and faces fade,
There wasn't a second when I stopped caring.

People are funny creatures,
Even though they got broken and left forgotten,
They'd still go back to the same old place,
Just for that sliver of hope that everything would change.

I'd say humans are silly creatures for believing,
But then again,
When you lose hope,
You stop being human.

Tick tick tick goes the time bomb

What if I held on;
Maybe I could keep you in check, maybe I could make you a little happier each day, maybe I could help you find yourself, maybe I could help you get over yourself, maybe we could redefine our friendship, maybe we could both just be happy together for a little more.
Maybe you can be happier everyday because of my presence, but then eventually, I would still get hurt.
Because even if you found yourself with me by your side even if you discover what you want, I don't think you'd choose me. If only just because of the fact that I stayed.

What if I let go;
Maybe the loss would get to you, maybe you would finally sort yourself out, maybe you would finally find yourself, maybe you would be the best version of yourself, or maybe you would never find out what you want, maybe I would just fade away like one of your 'what-if's.
Maybe you would be the best that you can be, but then I wouldn't be there to see you.
Maybe you would never find yourself, but then it would be because I gave you up.
And then maybe if I did let go, I would get hurt, but more importantly, so would you.
And then because even if you found yourself without me, I don't think we would find each other back, and then I would still lose you.

The conclusion is that I would get hurt, no matter what, because I can never have you the way I want to. From the very start, from the day you said "not right now", and from the day you said you didn't want me as a rebound. If you were sitting on a time bomb, knowing it would blow up if you stood up, would you sit till the end and wait for it to explode, or would you stand up? Because I'd choose to get hurt, but still have you around. Because I'd choose to get hurt, while you don't have to feel the same.

Worse than any form of pain

This is the worse heartbreak ever. I cannot begin to even describe whatever that is that I am going through. I want you so badly that it hurts. And it doesn't make sense and I can't think straight.

They say that emotional pain is akin to physical pain. Maybe that bit is true. Because it is smothering me. I want to just... Cease to exist.

I would rather die trying than to not even have tried. And life doesn't seem like much when you are all that I got in my plans for the days ahead. I don't even think it is that worth living for. I need to find something to drown myself in. Work maybe. Working out maybe. Studies maybe. A person maybe. But then you'd still be irreplaceable, so why bother?


This is the worse form of heartbreak, and we were nothing. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because we were infinite, even as nothing. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because then, imagine if we were actually something. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because it was so, so close within grasp, but we let it slip away. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because I just lost a part of myself along with you. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because it is worse than any form of pain.

This is the worse form of heartbreak, because I miss you, already.

But the worse part is

The worse part is that we both know it's not me, it's you. You are not ready. That makes me feel like shit. Because if it was me, I could make myself feel like I was at fault, I could make myself push further. But the fact that you say it's you. It kills me. I can do nothing about it. Just let my heart get torn apart.

Barrage

I can't think straight. I will just pen all my thoughts here because maybe then all the voices will stop, because maybe then all these emotions can fade, and I can actually feel better about myself.

Maybe then I can finally know peace because it was so close, within grasp.

A Certain Kind of Beauty

There is a certain kind of beauty about the love when someone still wants you, as badly as ever, even though that he gets disappointed time and time again. When he knows it will be difficult, especially because it's difficult. When he knows he might get broken over and over again, he still comes back for more. What does he keep coming back for? And why do you let him stay? There is a certain kind of beauty to that kind of tough love, but will it be a lasting kind of love? I told you love is easy, love is good. Love never hurts, but why does it hurt so badly right here, right now?

Maybe there really is a certain kind of beauty in this love. Or maybe I'm trying to romanticize things again. Or maybe I just want you, no matter what.

And in that... Is it yet another certain kind of beauty?

Why Do We Get Hurt?

Why do we get hurt?
Why do we still want to stay?
Why do we try so hard?
Why are we still here?
Why even bother trying to talk things out?
Why do we care so much?

Why is this whole drama so senseless?
Why am I not numb yet?
Why do I feel?
Why are you still here?
Why are you even trying?
Why do I love you?

Why do I want you so badly?

Why do we ask when we already have the answers?
Why do we leave the door locked when we already have the key?
Why do we hold on to a chance when we do not dare to believe?
Why do we still hold on when it hurts so fucking bad?

Why do we get hurt?
Why... do we still get hurt?

New Post

Hey, I've been thinking about everything, right from the start, over and over and over again, and all I can say is that after that day while we were walking back and standing opposite Block 1, I know that no matter how hard I can try to shove my feelings elsewhere, these feelings will always be latent and present. I've been thinking long and hard, trying to rationalize things and to put them into perspective the past few weeks, and I actually have a few things to say to you through here, so that you can actually calm down and collect yourself, and think things through before actually giving me a reply.

Anyway, it's really simple. I still want to be in a relationship with you, because a rose by any other name would not be as sweet. I know you hate it when I bring this up, but hear me out first, alright? As much as this topic is annoying to you, your answer of 'I just want to be close friends and nothing more' doesn't make any sense to me. People think that I am unaware just because I appear aloof but that doesn't mean that I don't know my surroundings. In fact I think that I am highly receptive and sensitive to many things, and it took me super long to convince myself you were not lying when you told me that you were just physically attracted to me because I knew it was not just that. As much as I am inexperienced in relationships, I can differentiate with what is genuine and what is not. And you yourself admitted that you liked me, but just didn't want something more, or said that you don't want to lose me as a friend. It was just a closing statement and it frustrates me to no end because it didn't make sense to me. In the beginning, I've thought that maybe it was my own problem, but I realized that it is not so much of me, because I am ready to open up and work on us, just that you were not. I have no idea why you don't want to try so at that time, I could only second guess and find faults with myself. I'll want to share with you my point of view. Maybe everything I am going to say will hit close to heart, or maybe, nothing even comes close, but I would want to at least try to communicate this with you.

To me, it seems that you are hesitant because you are scared, but I could never place a finger on what you are actually scared of.

Are you scared because whatever we have is too real and genuine, and then you thought that if you reached out, grabbed it, and tried it out, it would not turn out the way you want and that would take away the magic? Or the memories? Or are you just too scared of the what-ifs? What if we actually didn't match at all? What if we didn't work out? What if we lost each other if everything fell apart? Because I am fucking afraid too, but I am more confident than I am afraid. It's a chance of course, but a chance I want to take with you. Everything I did was genuine and real and I believe the same on your part. And I believed that even if everything doesn't work out in the end, our friendship was supposed to be so so so much stronger than that. It was our chemistry and friendship that brought us this close in the first place. As much as I know it's the smarter move to keep someone precious close and not complicate things by being in a relationship but that will also mean that you'll always only get your second best option, doesn't it? Maybe it's a little selfish to put your own happiness before the friendship, but maybe it's for the good of the both of us? Because when you think about all the what-ifs, what if we didn't work out, have you ever thought about... What if we did work out?

Or are you scared because I am putting in too much effort and it feels like you are not putting in enough? Or that I am the first and only person to see you for who you are and to treat you differently? And because of that, you feel undeserving of my affection? Because I can tell you straight, that you cannot decide for me, whom I feel is worthy or unworthy of my time and effort. That is up to me to decide for myself, alone. And I have never expected anything from you, ever, when I do things for you anyway. It's as much a reflex as an impulsive act that happens just because something I came across, reminded me of you. (I wanted to talk about the reacher and settler thing but you brought it up today haha) Or are you worried about the reacher and settler bullshit? Because I came to realize that there is no reacher or settler in any relationship. It's just an overly glorified way for people to boost their confidence or ego when their relationship sours, or just a measurement that nosy parkers use because they are jealous they cannot find a partner. There is no measurement for who gives in more, or puts in more effort in love, because love is just that -- you let in only people you deem deserving, and if you can give me your all, I would be more than content.

Or are you afraid that one of us would get hurt along the way? If that's the case, then I say we go all the way, because in our mad struggle to find where we belong, we already hurt each other, countless times, and in certain aspects, beyond repair. So why not give us a shot because I'd much rather have you in my life while I am hurt. I'd much rather get hurt together with you, then get hurt alone without you. Solely based on the fact that I know you will never hurt me intentionally and neither will I. You can hold a knife to my neck and I will allow you to stab me, because I know you wouldn't. I trust you. I trust you with my life.

Or are you afraid of what people have to say about you, or us? Because honestly, I do not give a two shit flying fuck. That doesn't mean I'm stupid though. Of course we are going to receive backlash because we are from different races. Of course we are going to receive backlash because we are in the same comm. Of course we are going to receive backlash because I liked you when you were still attached. Of course we are going to receive backlash from all these weird and nonsensical rumors going on right now. Of course I will be affected, but all these childish nonsense seem so small and insignificant when I see you and when I am with you. All that matters is here and now, as long as I have you. And people who don't care about all that jazz -- they are the only people whose opinions we should care about, and the rest of them, who the fuck are they anyway to tell us how to live our lives? And to be honest, I actually know that a lot of people whom think that we would be good together, and supports us, because it's not easy for two people to come together from two totally different places and yet have such strong chemistry in such a short time. And so what if we are of different races? Didn't you say you want to make a change on how people look at your race? I don't care what race you are, I don't care where you are from, I don't care about whom you were, all I care about is who you are now, so shouldn't that be a good start? And I can name so many interracial couples off the top of my head, so don't tell me that this wouldn't work out so don't you dare play the race card on me, because we haven't even tried.

Or are you afraid that I wouldn't like you after I find out that you are not my ideal girl or something? I honestly don't care. Your past is your past, it's yours to keep, it's what shaped you into who you are, it's something nobody can ever take away from you, and I embrace it, and I look forward to when you are ready to tell me everything about you, and your past. I want to hear it all, the good and the bad. Remember when you asked me if we would still know each other if you didn't come into Hall 2 and told me that you'd prefer to have met me under different circumstances? Honestly, I feel that somehow, someway, we would still find our ways to each other's lives. But then, I beg to differ with your opinion. It's all these small bumps along our way that make us, us. I would not have it any other way because then everything I hold dear about you would be different, and you would no longer be... My Farah. All your idiosyncrasies and everything that happened shaped us and through everything, I still want you, as badly or even more, than the first time I felt like this about you. And through every bit of hurt and pain, we still want each other to stay, we still keep finding each other, isn't that something worth holding on to -- isn't that enough reason to give ourselves a chance and give us a shot?

Because honestly, I know that sometimes you also show a bit more, that you still have feelings for me. But dig deeper, why do you even like me in the first place? Are those reasons still there? Because I know exactly why I fell in love with you and the reasons are very clear and fresh to me, still. Ask yourself what you really want, actually. Because I already know what I wanted, right before I met you. I know that sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and I also tend to rush things, and as much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you around, and despite knowing you would still be here, I just want to capture and savor every single moment that I can have with you. It's not that I'm in a rush, it's just that even if we had the rest of our lives together, it's still not enough for me. And right now, sometimes we are weird around each other and our relationship is kind of strained. It's not the same as it was before, back when we spent so much time everyday. I want that back, and for now, we have tried already everything, from not talking, to staying as just colleagues, to being just physical or whatever nonsense. Everything except giving ourselves a chance, so why not take that leap of faith? Don't be afraid. I'll hold your hand and jump with you. I know it's not easy. Nobody said it would be. But I know that every effort I put in for you is more than worth it, and because every extra mile I go for you, that may seem like a burden to you, doesn't seem so troubling, at all. Because there is no place I rather be, and no one else I'd rather be with, than you.

I know that's a shitload to digest, but I've said my peace. I want you to think it through, especially about what you want. Because I already do. I want to fall head over heels for you and I want to sweep you completely off your feet. I want you. You and you in all your entirety, and I would have it no other way... I say we give ourselves the chance we deserve, what say you? Just say the word, and I'll up and run, with you.

What is love?

Love is simple, love is easy
You just flow into it, one day and you wouldn't even know what hit you
You think about the person day in, night out and constantly want to be with the person

Love is compromise
It is sacrifice
You have to let up but if it's true love, both of you will give in and everything is just, natural
You forgive each other even if they have hurt you so badly, even if you don't deserve the forgiveness

Love is comfort
It is opening up and being vulnerable
You have to put down your pride, put down your ego and put down all that you stand for
Just to try to understand, to empathize, to be of one mind with your partner

Love is trust
It is having faith
You have to trust your partner with all your life, come what may, even if it will break you as a person
You must have faith that your love can tide through every obstacle life throws at you because you have and only need each other

I found love. I think we both did. But it slipped away.

Tragic

I don't think I can ever say I have ever put in as much effort into this relationship as my other ones.

I wanted to buy you a blue rose that you thought was pretty. I wanted to buy you a box of nice chocolates. I learnt a magic trick to try to impress you. I wanted to find you in the middle of the night, to surprise you with a gift. Because even just as a friend, I want to put my 100% and more for you.

But sometimes, reality hurts. Because when the truth sinks it, everything gets so hard, and you wonder to yourself. Why even do this anymore?

Deep down, I know it isn't worth it anymore.

Deep down, I know I shouldn't care.

Deep down, I know I am everything I say I am while you are nothing you say you are.

Because, there is no substance left in this relationship.

And it is tragic to me that today, I finally feel that I can do superficial.

Not because I want to have superficial friendships, but because I have to. It is the course of the world, much like many other things. I have to be superficial because that is the only way to live some lives.

And right now, I wish that I have never ever met you, so that the guilt and disappointment can just fade away. I am not that kind of person so why am I stooping down just to try to keep you?

I am not good with words

I can't help it. Maybe she is the one, maybe she isn't. But right now, when a second takes an hour to pass, and a day feels like years, she means nothing but the world to me, because she is the reason the stars are in the sky at night and the glowing radiance of the morning light. Because she just is... The apple of my eye.

I am scared, scared out of my wits even, but who wouldn't be? When something so real and raw is presented to you, you definitely would be. Nervous. Afraid. And scared. You want to grab at it, hold it in your arms, embrace it and then never let go. But things don't work that way. Possessions are not eternal, what more people? But it is okay, you'll figure it out.

Because when I look into her eyes every time, a little hand flicks a flame in my heart, and I wonder to myself, who plucked all the stars in the vast night sky and put them in her eyes again?

Because when she smiles that perfect little smile, my heart melts a little, and a fuzzy feeling overwhelms my insides, and I tell myself, never ever let this girl get away, if not what else can I look forward to day in, day out, and before I go to sleep?

Because when she does that thing with her hair, and asks me if she looks OK, I can't help but to think, you are all the stars in an otherwise dark night, you are my sun on a rainy day, yet also the clouds in a day too bright. But yet, always, all that I can muster is just a "you look fine".

Because when she talks to me, and asks about my day, I feel that everything negative just fades away, and nothing in this world is really as important anymore. She keeps my heart happily glowing, and puts an unknowing smile on my face. She makes everything feel so naturally perfect, as if it just falls into place.

But I have lost it. I can't blame myself enough for it, because now, sometimes I don't even dare to look in her eyes, sometimes I only catch glimpses of her smile, sometimes if I get lucky, she will do that thing with her hair, and ask me that same question I adore, and sometimes if I get luckier, she will want to talk to me. And then sometimes, I pray, that when I finally get things right, we will be, once again, infinite.

But it's okay. Because if it is, it is. If it's not, it never was. And right now, as time stands still again, I just want to say: you are the world to me.