Make me better

A piece from a while back...

Make me better.
Tell me everything is okay.
Try to fix me.
Save me, please.

Even though a broken man,
Sometimes does not need to be fixed,
It would feel nice,
To be worth the effort,
At least just for once.

What if some things are better left unsaid,
And some businesses are left unfinished.

That leaves some truths to be left unknown,
And some wounds to be left untreated.

But even if some answers are left unanswered,
And some stories left untold,

I would rather be left unaware,
Then to hear the truth unravel.

Love is a funny thing,
Even though you tore my world apart,
And even through all the hurt and anguish,
I would trade everything to do it all again.

Time is a funny thing,
Even though minutes pass and seasons change,
And people come and faces fade,
There wasn't a second when I stopped caring.

People are funny creatures,
Even though they got broken and left forgotten,
They'd still go back to the same old place,
Just for that sliver of hope that everything would change.

I'd say humans are silly creatures for believing,
But then again,
When you lose hope,
You stop being human.

Tick tick tick goes the time bomb

What if I held on;
Maybe I could keep you in check, maybe I could make you a little happier each day, maybe I could help you find yourself, maybe I could help you get over yourself, maybe we could redefine our friendship, maybe we could both just be happy together for a little more.
Maybe you can be happier everyday because of my presence, but then eventually, I would still get hurt.
Because even if you found yourself with me by your side even if you discover what you want, I don't think you'd choose me. If only just because of the fact that I stayed.

What if I let go;
Maybe the loss would get to you, maybe you would finally sort yourself out, maybe you would finally find yourself, maybe you would be the best version of yourself, or maybe you would never find out what you want, maybe I would just fade away like one of your 'what-if's.
Maybe you would be the best that you can be, but then I wouldn't be there to see you.
Maybe you would never find yourself, but then it would be because I gave you up.
And then maybe if I did let go, I would get hurt, but more importantly, so would you.
And then because even if you found yourself without me, I don't think we would find each other back, and then I would still lose you.

The conclusion is that I would get hurt, no matter what, because I can never have you the way I want to. From the very start, from the day you said "not right now", and from the day you said you didn't want me as a rebound. If you were sitting on a time bomb, knowing it would blow up if you stood up, would you sit till the end and wait for it to explode, or would you stand up? Because I'd choose to get hurt, but still have you around. Because I'd choose to get hurt, while you don't have to feel the same.

Worse than any form of pain

This is the worse heartbreak ever. I cannot begin to even describe whatever that is that I am going through. I want you so badly that it hurts. And it doesn't make sense and I can't think straight.

They say that emotional pain is akin to physical pain. Maybe that bit is true. Because it is smothering me. I want to just... Cease to exist.

I would rather die trying than to not even have tried. And life doesn't seem like much when you are all that I got in my plans for the days ahead. I don't even think it is that worth living for. I need to find something to drown myself in. Work maybe. Working out maybe. Studies maybe. A person maybe. But then you'd still be irreplaceable, so why bother?


This is the worse form of heartbreak, and we were nothing. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because we were infinite, even as nothing. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because then, imagine if we were actually something. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because it was so, so close within grasp, but we let it slip away. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because I just lost a part of myself along with you. This is the worse form of heartbreak, because it is worse than any form of pain.

This is the worse form of heartbreak, because I miss you, already.

But the worse part is

The worse part is that we both know it's not me, it's you. You are not ready. That makes me feel like shit. Because if it was me, I could make myself feel like I was at fault, I could make myself push further. But the fact that you say it's you. It kills me. I can do nothing about it. Just let my heart get torn apart.

Barrage

I can't think straight. I will just pen all my thoughts here because maybe then all the voices will stop, because maybe then all these emotions can fade, and I can actually feel better about myself.

Maybe then I can finally know peace because it was so close, within grasp.

A Certain Kind of Beauty

There is a certain kind of beauty about the love when someone still wants you, as badly as ever, even though that he gets disappointed time and time again. When he knows it will be difficult, especially because it's difficult. When he knows he might get broken over and over again, he still comes back for more. What does he keep coming back for? And why do you let him stay? There is a certain kind of beauty to that kind of tough love, but will it be a lasting kind of love? I told you love is easy, love is good. Love never hurts, but why does it hurt so badly right here, right now?

Maybe there really is a certain kind of beauty in this love. Or maybe I'm trying to romanticize things again. Or maybe I just want you, no matter what.

And in that... Is it yet another certain kind of beauty?

Why Do We Get Hurt?

Why do we get hurt?
Why do we still want to stay?
Why do we try so hard?
Why are we still here?
Why even bother trying to talk things out?
Why do we care so much?

Why is this whole drama so senseless?
Why am I not numb yet?
Why do I feel?
Why are you still here?
Why are you even trying?
Why do I love you?

Why do I want you so badly?

Why do we ask when we already have the answers?
Why do we leave the door locked when we already have the key?
Why do we hold on to a chance when we do not dare to believe?
Why do we still hold on when it hurts so fucking bad?

Why do we get hurt?
Why... do we still get hurt?

New Post

Hey, I've been thinking about everything, right from the start, over and over and over again, and all I can say is that after that day while we were walking back and standing opposite Block 1, I know that no matter how hard I can try to shove my feelings elsewhere, these feelings will always be latent and present. I've been thinking long and hard, trying to rationalize things and to put them into perspective the past few weeks, and I actually have a few things to say to you through here, so that you can actually calm down and collect yourself, and think things through before actually giving me a reply.

Anyway, it's really simple. I still want to be in a relationship with you, because a rose by any other name would not be as sweet. I know you hate it when I bring this up, but hear me out first, alright? As much as this topic is annoying to you, your answer of 'I just want to be close friends and nothing more' doesn't make any sense to me. People think that I am unaware just because I appear aloof but that doesn't mean that I don't know my surroundings. In fact I think that I am highly receptive and sensitive to many things, and it took me super long to convince myself you were not lying when you told me that you were just physically attracted to me because I knew it was not just that. As much as I am inexperienced in relationships, I can differentiate with what is genuine and what is not. And you yourself admitted that you liked me, but just didn't want something more, or said that you don't want to lose me as a friend. It was just a closing statement and it frustrates me to no end because it didn't make sense to me. In the beginning, I've thought that maybe it was my own problem, but I realized that it is not so much of me, because I am ready to open up and work on us, just that you were not. I have no idea why you don't want to try so at that time, I could only second guess and find faults with myself. I'll want to share with you my point of view. Maybe everything I am going to say will hit close to heart, or maybe, nothing even comes close, but I would want to at least try to communicate this with you.

To me, it seems that you are hesitant because you are scared, but I could never place a finger on what you are actually scared of.

Are you scared because whatever we have is too real and genuine, and then you thought that if you reached out, grabbed it, and tried it out, it would not turn out the way you want and that would take away the magic? Or the memories? Or are you just too scared of the what-ifs? What if we actually didn't match at all? What if we didn't work out? What if we lost each other if everything fell apart? Because I am fucking afraid too, but I am more confident than I am afraid. It's a chance of course, but a chance I want to take with you. Everything I did was genuine and real and I believe the same on your part. And I believed that even if everything doesn't work out in the end, our friendship was supposed to be so so so much stronger than that. It was our chemistry and friendship that brought us this close in the first place. As much as I know it's the smarter move to keep someone precious close and not complicate things by being in a relationship but that will also mean that you'll always only get your second best option, doesn't it? Maybe it's a little selfish to put your own happiness before the friendship, but maybe it's for the good of the both of us? Because when you think about all the what-ifs, what if we didn't work out, have you ever thought about... What if we did work out?

Or are you scared because I am putting in too much effort and it feels like you are not putting in enough? Or that I am the first and only person to see you for who you are and to treat you differently? And because of that, you feel undeserving of my affection? Because I can tell you straight, that you cannot decide for me, whom I feel is worthy or unworthy of my time and effort. That is up to me to decide for myself, alone. And I have never expected anything from you, ever, when I do things for you anyway. It's as much a reflex as an impulsive act that happens just because something I came across, reminded me of you. (I wanted to talk about the reacher and settler thing but you brought it up today haha) Or are you worried about the reacher and settler bullshit? Because I came to realize that there is no reacher or settler in any relationship. It's just an overly glorified way for people to boost their confidence or ego when their relationship sours, or just a measurement that nosy parkers use because they are jealous they cannot find a partner. There is no measurement for who gives in more, or puts in more effort in love, because love is just that -- you let in only people you deem deserving, and if you can give me your all, I would be more than content.

Or are you afraid that one of us would get hurt along the way? If that's the case, then I say we go all the way, because in our mad struggle to find where we belong, we already hurt each other, countless times, and in certain aspects, beyond repair. So why not give us a shot because I'd much rather have you in my life while I am hurt. I'd much rather get hurt together with you, then get hurt alone without you. Solely based on the fact that I know you will never hurt me intentionally and neither will I. You can hold a knife to my neck and I will allow you to stab me, because I know you wouldn't. I trust you. I trust you with my life.

Or are you afraid of what people have to say about you, or us? Because honestly, I do not give a two shit flying fuck. That doesn't mean I'm stupid though. Of course we are going to receive backlash because we are from different races. Of course we are going to receive backlash because we are in the same comm. Of course we are going to receive backlash because I liked you when you were still attached. Of course we are going to receive backlash from all these weird and nonsensical rumors going on right now. Of course I will be affected, but all these childish nonsense seem so small and insignificant when I see you and when I am with you. All that matters is here and now, as long as I have you. And people who don't care about all that jazz -- they are the only people whose opinions we should care about, and the rest of them, who the fuck are they anyway to tell us how to live our lives? And to be honest, I actually know that a lot of people whom think that we would be good together, and supports us, because it's not easy for two people to come together from two totally different places and yet have such strong chemistry in such a short time. And so what if we are of different races? Didn't you say you want to make a change on how people look at your race? I don't care what race you are, I don't care where you are from, I don't care about whom you were, all I care about is who you are now, so shouldn't that be a good start? And I can name so many interracial couples off the top of my head, so don't tell me that this wouldn't work out so don't you dare play the race card on me, because we haven't even tried.

Or are you afraid that I wouldn't like you after I find out that you are not my ideal girl or something? I honestly don't care. Your past is your past, it's yours to keep, it's what shaped you into who you are, it's something nobody can ever take away from you, and I embrace it, and I look forward to when you are ready to tell me everything about you, and your past. I want to hear it all, the good and the bad. Remember when you asked me if we would still know each other if you didn't come into Hall 2 and told me that you'd prefer to have met me under different circumstances? Honestly, I feel that somehow, someway, we would still find our ways to each other's lives. But then, I beg to differ with your opinion. It's all these small bumps along our way that make us, us. I would not have it any other way because then everything I hold dear about you would be different, and you would no longer be... My Farah. All your idiosyncrasies and everything that happened shaped us and through everything, I still want you, as badly or even more, than the first time I felt like this about you. And through every bit of hurt and pain, we still want each other to stay, we still keep finding each other, isn't that something worth holding on to -- isn't that enough reason to give ourselves a chance and give us a shot?

Because honestly, I know that sometimes you also show a bit more, that you still have feelings for me. But dig deeper, why do you even like me in the first place? Are those reasons still there? Because I know exactly why I fell in love with you and the reasons are very clear and fresh to me, still. Ask yourself what you really want, actually. Because I already know what I wanted, right before I met you. I know that sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and I also tend to rush things, and as much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you around, and despite knowing you would still be here, I just want to capture and savor every single moment that I can have with you. It's not that I'm in a rush, it's just that even if we had the rest of our lives together, it's still not enough for me. And right now, sometimes we are weird around each other and our relationship is kind of strained. It's not the same as it was before, back when we spent so much time everyday. I want that back, and for now, we have tried already everything, from not talking, to staying as just colleagues, to being just physical or whatever nonsense. Everything except giving ourselves a chance, so why not take that leap of faith? Don't be afraid. I'll hold your hand and jump with you. I know it's not easy. Nobody said it would be. But I know that every effort I put in for you is more than worth it, and because every extra mile I go for you, that may seem like a burden to you, doesn't seem so troubling, at all. Because there is no place I rather be, and no one else I'd rather be with, than you.

I know that's a shitload to digest, but I've said my peace. I want you to think it through, especially about what you want. Because I already do. I want to fall head over heels for you and I want to sweep you completely off your feet. I want you. You and you in all your entirety, and I would have it no other way... I say we give ourselves the chance we deserve, what say you? Just say the word, and I'll up and run, with you.

What is love?

Love is simple, love is easy
You just flow into it, one day and you wouldn't even know what hit you
You think about the person day in, night out and constantly want to be with the person

Love is compromise
It is sacrifice
You have to let up but if it's true love, both of you will give in and everything is just, natural
You forgive each other even if they have hurt you so badly, even if you don't deserve the forgiveness

Love is comfort
It is opening up and being vulnerable
You have to put down your pride, put down your ego and put down all that you stand for
Just to try to understand, to empathize, to be of one mind with your partner

Love is trust
It is having faith
You have to trust your partner with all your life, come what may, even if it will break you as a person
You must have faith that your love can tide through every obstacle life throws at you because you have and only need each other

I found love. I think we both did. But it slipped away.

Tragic

I don't think I can ever say I have ever put in as much effort into this relationship as my other ones.

I wanted to buy you a blue rose that you thought was pretty. I wanted to buy you a box of nice chocolates. I learnt a magic trick to try to impress you. I wanted to find you in the middle of the night, to surprise you with a gift. Because even just as a friend, I want to put my 100% and more for you.

But sometimes, reality hurts. Because when the truth sinks it, everything gets so hard, and you wonder to yourself. Why even do this anymore?

Deep down, I know it isn't worth it anymore.

Deep down, I know I shouldn't care.

Deep down, I know I am everything I say I am while you are nothing you say you are.

Because, there is no substance left in this relationship.

And it is tragic to me that today, I finally feel that I can do superficial.

Not because I want to have superficial friendships, but because I have to. It is the course of the world, much like many other things. I have to be superficial because that is the only way to live some lives.

And right now, I wish that I have never ever met you, so that the guilt and disappointment can just fade away. I am not that kind of person so why am I stooping down just to try to keep you?