The End

I don't think that we should be close anymore. I am not sure if we would still be friends or strangers. Mind you, it takes every fiber of my being to say this, but know that it is for the better.

You never really said why we wouldn't have worked out. You said I just wasn't what you were looking for when you knew me better. That's not specific enough and you keep avoiding the topic. But so be it. It's time I moved on.

There's nothing that we can do and it just has to happen. You stole my heart one October night and I knew you've had it ever since a Deepavali night in November. I love you to the end of the world and none of those words are an overstatement, in fact, it might be an understatement to the testament of how much you mean to me.

But things cannot continue like this. As desperate as I am to want to keep you with me forever, I cannot. I lost all sense of myself for the past year and a half and it's time to get it back.

I think it's too late to salvage anything.

Of course, you know you have the key to my heart, and I will always miss you deeply and you will always hold a special place in my heart.

Some things I think I know, but I sort of just want the confirmation, and I just want to hear those words from your mouth.

Maybe one day you'll wake up and realize that you missed me and loved me more than you realize. I think I'd be gone then, though...

And maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I won't hurt anymore thinking about all that we have missed out.

You were right. Maybe we should have met earlier. Things would have been so much better. I know I'm slow some times, but all I ever needed was a little more time to get it right.

I guess this is it. But know that my heart always has a special place for you, come what may, and that I would always love you, more than anything that can come our way.

You hold the key to my heart, and you forever will.

To the special someone whom made me experience a type of happiness I never knew I could feel. To the special someone who pushed me to all my limits as a person. To the special someone whom deserved nothing but the best of what I can give.

I love you.

I'm sorry it has to come to this.

Always, and forever yours,

For Your Eyes Only

Right Place at the Wrong Time

They sat close, opening up to each other for the first time. It was rare, at least, for the boy, to have made an unlikely friend - someone he never thought he could have connected with, at least not in such a short while and to such a strong degree. They talked about love and romance - of the girl's boyfriend, of their ideal dates, of the idea of love and romance, of each other's plans for the future. They seemed to share each other's ideals, and I think the girl was surprised that the boy was more than met her eyes. He was romantic and idealistic, a far cry from how he normally portrays himself to others, and unexpected to the girl, this side of him was different, yet genuine. 

But still, the girl held back and reserved herself, sort of, as she asked, "Have you ever been hurt by someone before?"

The boy thought no, and maybe it was a trick of his eye, but he felt that maybe, just maybe, she was hurt before and she had a story. He wanted to ask, yet he didn't probe. Things are probably better for her since, anyway... or at least, as her buddy now, he decided to be there to make sure things will definitely be better for her.

"You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

I Miss You More

It felt like spontaneous combustion. Something of a flame... like fireworks, perhaps? The buildup was slow and long, yet filled with anticipation and joy. Likewise, the time they spent together was always jubilant, and enjoyable, and because they met almost everyday, consistent, much akin to the period awaiting the lighted sparks to ignite fireworks - filled with anticipation and a form of wondrous gaiety because you know that after the wait, fireworks are always an amazing sight to behold.

The boy was dense, though, because obviously he liked her. He yearned for her company, day in, night out, as if it was the only thing to matter in the world. A day without seeing, or even texting her, felt like days on end. A day without interacting with her, plainly, sucked. He told himself it was just a crush, but he knew it was probably something more. And unbeknownst to him, she felt the same way too. 

And one day, she didn't reply his messages. He remembered it was a day out on a Saturday. The sweltering heat was beating upon his back, yet the weather did not make him feel as uneasy as the fact that she was ignoring him. It carried onto the night when he couldn't take it any longer and he decided to call.

"Hey, why did you call me?"

"Uhhh, I don't know... You didn't reply, I was worried."

"Miss me ah?"

"Umm... Yeah."

"Really? Cause I missed you more."

And after the build up comes consequently, the fireworks. It was an explosion, of emotions. Fast, amazing, a climax well deserved, and a spectacle to behold.

"Do you like me?" she asked.

Dumb as he was, it took him 2 minutes of pondering and stammering 'uhh's before he mustered a feeble 'yes'.

"Do you like me, then?" he asked her back.

She replied in an instant, "Yes!".

A sort of smile formed on his face, involuntarily of course, as a form of joy began to engulf his being upon the revelation that she did indeed returned his feelings. She wasn't pleased though, that he took so long to say yes. 

And then, in a while, their relationship took a toll. Much like fireworks, which always disappears too quickly and too suddenly, leaving in its wake, a form of disdain and underwhelm. It left a bitter aftertaste for them - still very much in love, but conflicted by morals, and peer pressure, and as a consequence, poorly made decisions and regrets,

"We're taking things too fast."

"I hate it when people see us together and then they talk."

"I don't like you that way anymore."

"You're a different person when you like me."

"I still love my boyfriend."

"It was just physical attraction, nothing more."

"I just want to be friends."

"I don't want you anymore."

"No, your selfie didn't make me feel better, k bye."

"No sorry, go away."

"I hacked your accounts."
"I don't really care."

I'm sorry I ever pushed you away - I was a mess and I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry I never did seem like I wanted to fight for you - you were the world to me, and yet I was a coward. I'm sorry I cut you off before working things out with you - I should have worked things out with you instead, and of me saying so many times we should have worked things out together, I didn't. I guess that makes me the biggest hypocrite around.

The Light, Happiness, My Love

"It's funny. When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is, and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless."

Maybe not useless, but arduous and almost impossible to let go.

Her favorite cafe is (working title) at Arab Street, and she was happy it's becoming more Halal friendly as of late.

Her favorite bar is Sand Bar, even though now she thinks it's not as good as it used to be. 

Her favorite sushi is tamago and crabstick, and she never really liked the usual favorites like salmon and sashimi, but she recently grew a fondness and taste for salmon.

Her favorite body wash is called Cherry Blossom from Body Shop, and her mother likes to buy fragrances and body washes for her, but she hates their scents, even though she doesn't know she smells good. And every so often, some days, when he gets a whiff of a familiar scent, memories gush through his mind and he always, always thinks of her.

He remembered all these, and more. So much more.

Everything about her, he noticed, every word she uttered to him, he remembered. 

And it's so hard, because after all the turmoil they went through, after all the times he steeled himself, and she drilled into her mind, they never could lose each other. One day they would stop talking and said they would stop being friends, and the next, they were closer than ever. There's a certain kind of beauty in this form of tough, dysfunctional love. They hurt each other, time and again, and yet, they come back, and they wanted more of each other.

Much like all streams lead to the ocean, he knew, that all roads lead back to her. The heart wants what the heart wants, and she was all that he ever wanted, and needed.

Mr. Block of Wood

"One day I'll pluck out all the stars in the galaxy and give them all to you."

Of the many things he pride himself in, he thought he was self aware and sensitive to others' feelings and emotions, so how could he have blundered at this?

He always thought he knew her extremely well, but I guess, never well enough. If he did, he wouldn't have had such a regret, for not reciprocating, for not fighting hard enough, for not reassuring her, for not loving her when he should have.

Dense is an understatement to use on him. There were so many chances, and so many hints. 

Of all the words she wasted on him, and of all the time she tried to let him know, he never did caught on.

Of all the 'sweethearts' she started to call him by.

Of all the 'I'd rather spend more time with you." she used to say.

Of all the 'You make me happier." she used to say.

"My mother asked me whose birthday celebration I liked more. I'm not going to tell you the answer, later your ego boost."

"Why didn't you take care of me?"

"Aww, you wanted to do that? But you didn't..."

"Where did you go? Why didn't you just come in to say hi?"

"We didn't do anything, I swear."

"Come back."

Come back.

Please, come back...

This Is Done on Impulse

"Don't judge someone just because they sin differently from you"

And in the same vein, just because someone loves differently from you, doesn't mean it is not enough. For he was the entire world to her, and she was his, too. For he loved her, and she, him too. It was love on different weighing scales, but love, nonetheless. 

He misses all the good times, and the bad. He misses all the impulses, all the crazy decisions.

He has never met someone like her. 

He was calm, and reserved, and he'd like to think he was dependable and steady as a rock. She, on the other hand, was wilder, free spirited, easy going and kind, albeit a bit indecisive at times.

He liked her like that, he thought it complemented him. 

For her, nothing seemed too troubling to him anymore. All the nitpicking he seemed to do when he gets close to other girls, or even just people in general, he couldn't, for the life of him, find a problem with her. He felt like, with her, he was on top of the world, there was nothing they couldn't overcome. For her, all the troubles felt like nothing at all.

And the one thing that he misses and enjoyed the most is that for her, he'd do a million things on impulse, like: 

Finding her immediately, in the middle of the night, because she was crying over her ex boyfriend or quarreling with a colleague.

Buying her a blue rose for Valentine's just because she said a blue rose was beautiful, and then hiding it at a staircase at her house.

Cabbing down to her house in the middle of the night just to spend some time with her.

Planning a huge surprise and subsequently a few smaller ones for her birthday.
Researching on her religion and her native tongue.
Albeit on the wrong note, he started smoking for her, too.

Panicked around a mall to find her pills for menstrual cramps because she had a recce that day.

And on a bus ride back from Sentosa one day, he could still remember the look she had on her face, and how much he wanted her, and he kissed her on the lips. The first girl he ever dared to, and wanted enough, for him to make the first move on. He doesn't think she remembers this, or even knew about that. But to him, she was his world, and she was the only one that ever truly mattered. 

And just because someone loves differently from you, it doesn't mean it's not enough. Because they very much loved each other, and maybe, that was more than enough.

And Then, There Were None

This story was meant for your eyes only and titled likewise, but really, the title should have been the first letter of each line in the next 2 paragraphs.

Forever doesn't last.

On that note, nothing ever does...

Realistically.

For her though, he'd always keep his faith (like how he always believed in her who believes in him).

Always.

Right now, it hurts, the pain ebbs and then rises more.

And still, she will always be his miracle girl, and he, her wonder wall.

However bleak their future might be.

Because one day she will forget all the good times that they have had and everything will fade into just a fond feeling when his name happens to flit across her mind. A fond feeling of a boy, of whom, she will still have an impression that they have had the best of times with, of whom they conquered the world together before. Yet somehow, at the back of her head, a part of her will always hold back any form of connection or recreation of new memories because even though she has no idea why, that part of her will always stop herself, with an innate belief that things would have never worked out anyway.

There were times where she looked for him everyday.

There were times where she asked him for breakfast everyday.

There were times where she called him to talk on the phone, while on her way back from school, or on a taxi back home, or simply when she missed him.

There were times where she would rather spend each and every minute of her life with him, because he meant so much to her.

There were times where she said 'I miss you' and 'I love you's.

There were times where she would envelop him in an embrace whenever she saw him.

There were times where they were always in their own world during their work meetings it made their colleagues uncomfortable.

There were times where...

But, alas! Where have all the good times fleet?

Because, and then, those times dwindled...

...

And then, there were none.

Unfinished

"And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. We will always be a loose end. We will always be... Unfinished. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be..."

And the girl in the story, she didn't like the ending.

Neither did I.

She believes in destiny, while I kind of, too. I believe in destiny as much as the belief that you have the ability to control your own fate.

And so... I told her I'd rewrite the previous ending.

"It's okay sweetheart... Don't worry about it okay? I'll always be here, just please don't do things that will hurt me okay?"

I'm sorry, and I promise. Because you mean the world to me and you make me the happiest boy in the world.

As for this new ending, much like all good things, you just have to...

Wait for it.